Medical Trauma: My Experience
- cyclicalwellness
- Dec 10, 2023
- 10 min read
Updated: Dec 30, 2024
Disclaimer: In this post, I discuss an extremely personal experience. There are brief descriptions of medical exams and surgical events/devices mentioned. Please read at your own discretion. ♡
Medical trauma is defined as a set of physical and mental responses to pain, injury, serious illness, medical procedures, and frightening treatment experiences. Trauma can be more broadly defines as any experience that is perceived to be deeply disturbing or distressing. It is an extremely individual experience, and something perceived as traumatic for one person may not be for another.
If you read my story and think "that doesn't sound traumatic", that's fine. Again, something traumatic to me may seem like nothing to you. Everybody is different.
As I begin wiriting this today, it marks exactly one year since I was diagnosed with endometriosis. One year since I had my endometriosis excision surgery. One year since the most simultaneously validating and traumatizing day of my life so far. I know that may sound a bit dramatic, but it was my lived experience.
Let's Get Into It...
I am a nurse, and therefore, I know how to navigate the healthcare system quite well. I know what questions to ask and what red flags to look for. I did my research, and chose the best specialist in my area to perform my surgery. I asked all the questions I could think of, and I made my preferences abundantly clear. I did everything right. I had read about medical trauma before, but I never thought it would happen to me.
When the day of my surgery came, I was told I would need a pelvic examination done while I was under anesthesia.
"Why?" I asked. I was told it was standard, just used to determine the position of my organs before surgery. "Well what's involved? Is it just a normal pelvic exam?"
"Yes, just a pelvic exam", my doctor replied.
"So nothing goes inside of me or my uterus, like a scope or anything, right?"
"No."
"Can it be done while I'm awake?" I asked. I would have prefered to be awake if possible.
"No. It's better for you to be asleep, that way we don't have to worry so much about hurting you."
I wondered what in the world they would be doing in there that would be so painful if it was "just a pelvic exam". I asked if I had to have it done or if I could opt out of it.
"No. We have to do it in order to do the surgery."
I should have asked why, but I was so overwhelmed with emotion that it didn't cross my mind. I felt scared and pressured. I didn't want to have this exam done; something about it didn't feel right to me. But I was torn: either I consented to the exam, or I didn't get the surgery I had been desperately hoping would give me some relief.
I signed the consent form, despite everything in me saying "no".
Shortly afterwards, the team came to take me back to the operating room. They gave me medication to calm anxiety, but I could still feel my heart beating out of my chest. My head was starting to spin.
Once there, they asked me to move from the stretcher to the operating table. I clumsily did my best; I felt so out of it from the meds I was given beforehand. I laid back and saw the blinding overhead light beaming down on me. I could feel my legs being strapped into some form of restraint or positioning device. I started to feel panicky. Tears streamed down my face as I couldn't contain them any longer. I felt the anesthesiologist gently stroking my hair wiping my tears. "Don't cry", she said kindly, "everything will be okay". They placed the oxygen mask over my nose and mouth, and then I was out.
The next thing I remember is being half awake in the recovery area asking my nurse for more pain medication. My mom was there, sitting next to my bed. "Did they find it? Did they find endo?" I asked. "Yes", she said, "stage two."
It was one of the most validating moments of my entire life. I finally had an answer to all the pain and suffering I had been enduring over the past two years.
In the few weeks after my surgery, I felt fine. Sure, the surgery experience was scary, but it didn't feel traumatic. The turning point came when I got an email notifying me that my biopsy results had come back from the lab.
I opened my patient portal and read the report. Yep, it was officially endometriosis. While I was there, I noticed I could read all the notes from my surgery, including the operative note written by my surgeon.
"Patient prepped and draped ... in dorsal lithotomy position." (a.k.a. the position you sit in for a pelvic exam). "Okay, that's expected," I thought. I knew they would be doing a pelvic exam. "Uterine manipulator inserted without difficulty."
Wait...WHAT?!?
If you don't know what a uterine manipulator is (which I'm sure most people don't, I sure didn't) look it up...it's pretty barbaric. It's basically a metal instrument inserted into your vagina, through your cervix, and into your uterus. It sticks out of your vagina during the whole procedure and let's them move your uterus around. Pardon the graphic description...
I felt sick to my stomach. A flurry of emotions filled my head as I read those words: anger, shock, betrayal, the list goes on.
Imagine thinking you were just getting a "normal pelvic exam" and then finding out you were actually lying there with your legs open and this thing sticking out of you for the 2.5 hour surgery...
I felt like my consent (and body) had been seriously violated and my trust had been broken. Especially since I had specifically asked what this exam involved and had been reassured several times that it was just a "normal pelvic exam" and that nothing would be going inside of my uterus.
This is NOT what I had consented to, and I've spent the last year trying to heal from the after effects that this experience has caused.
What the Mind Forgets, the Body Remembers...
I have always considered myself to be someone who was very in tune with their body. This was especially true during the time leading up to my surgery. As I immersed myself in the world of holistic menstrual health, I had made a conscious effort to deepen my connection with my pelvis and womb space. It was and is extremely sacred to me.
After learning of what my body experienced without my consent, it felt as though that connection had been severed. I felt like that part of my body had been violated, and I didn't want anything to do with it anymore.
In the months that followed, I tried my best to forget about this experience and bury it deep within my mind, but my body remembered...
I soon found myself struggling with intense mood swings, flashbacks, depression, and crying spells. On top of all that, anything involving my pelvic area triggered a massive emotional response. One minute I would be fine, and the next I would be overcome with overwhelming feelings of sadness, anger, and grief. If I wanted to, I felt as though I could sit with these emotions for an eternity and just sob.
I felt so broken.
Not only was I still dealing with the physical and emotional pain that comes along with having endometriosis, but now, I was also having to process and work through an extremely violating and traumatic experience.
It felt hopeless.
My pelvic floor physical therapist was the first one to notice and identify what was going on.
At each appointment after my surgery, I would be overcome with emotion during the internal pelvic work. Anytime the muscles within my pelvis were touched, I would feel the emotions start to bubble up. Anger, grief, sadness, fear - it always brought me to tears.
To be transparent, this phenomenon was present before my surgery, but it was way less frequent and intense. After my surgery, it was exponentially worse. It was every time, and it was extremely emotionally distressing for me.
She recognized it almost right away: a trauma response
Scientifically, it was my sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) being activated, and this was my body's way of releasing that energy. This same response would also happen anytime I worked on my pelvic muscles at home.
Over time, I noticed that the response only happened when certain areas where touched. "Why is that?" I wondered. Then, it hit me: the muscles that were connected to the emotions were the muscles closests to one of my endometriosis lesions.
Living with endometriosis has been hard, but I never realized how physically and emotionally traumatic it was. This made it clear. All of my feelings and frustrations regarding my endo diagnosis & surgical experience seemed to have been stored within these tissues.
As I continued to work with my physical therapist, we learned just how strong this trauma-body connection was.
When I feel the emotions coming up during internal work, my muscles tense up. If I try to suppress it, they tense up even more. Only when I allow myself to cry and fully express these emotions do my muscles let go. It is a literal physical and emotional release of all the tension that was being stored there.
I thought that by allowing these emotions to come out whenever I felt them, the trauma response I was experiencing would eventually go away. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.
Addressing the trauma from a physical perspective wasn't enough. I also needed to address the mental side.
Therapy, Therapy, & More Therapy
I had been working with a talk therapist since I graduated from college to manage my anxiety & PMDD. She was great! We had continued working together as my journey with endometriosis unfolded, but after my surgery, we both agreed that I needed to work with someone a bit more specialized.
Enter, my current therapist - a sex therapist!
As a sex therapist, she has more experience working with situations like mine. She was also certified in a trauma-work technique called Eye Movement Desensitiziation Reprocessing (EMDR). It seemed really promising!
We began working together, mainly focused on talk therapy and re-fostering connection with my body in away that felt safe. But this only brought me half-way there.
I was talking about my traumatic surgical experience and all the emotions that came with it, but I wasn't reprocessing them in a way that was productive. I was just reliving the trauma in my mind. Eventually, we decided to move forward with EMDR therapy.
EMDR therapy is intense trauma work that is facilitated by a therapist, but actually requires very little talking. Instead of explaining your emotions and feelings (like in talk therapy), EMDR focuses on revisiting distressing or traumatic memories and reprocessing them in a way that leaves you feeling more at peace and in control.
I ended up needing two sessions of EMDR to fully reprocess and move through my surgery experience.
The first time, I was unable to complete the session. I was too distressed by the memories, and I was mentally "stuck" in operating room. I couldn't move past that part of the experience. All these negative thoughts were flooding my brain, and it just felt too overwhelming to continue.
"I didn't protect myself enough."
"I failed my body."
"I didn't get the chance to say no."
"I didn't feel safe."
"I feel like my control was taken away from me."
We decided to take a break and try again in a month or so.
During my second session, I was able to successfully move through the entire surgery experience and complete the EMDR session. At the end, I felt so at peace, like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
Reprocessing the experience gave me the opportunity to have the control that I felt was lost. It gave me a sense of security and safety within my body again. My negative thoughts from the first session were replaced with positive ones.
"I can say no."
"This is my body; I have control."
"I am safe now"
"It wasn't my fault."
That last one was the most important.
For so long, I harboured guilt, feeling like I was somehow to blame for my experience. I also felt guilty for even feeling violated and traumatized. But through EMDR, I was able to see that the problem wasn't me at all. I wasn't to blame, and it was okay that I felt the way I did.
I had something done to my body without my consent, and that violation of consent was the problem.
Healing & Moving Forward
After nearly a year, I finally felt free from the burden of trauma. I feel safe within my body again, and I've started the journey of reconnecting with my pelvis & womb.
Remember that emotional response I talked so much about earlier? Well, it's still there to some degree, but it happens a lot less often, and the emotions don't feel as heavy as they did before completing EMDR. As far as why, I suspect I know the answer...
There is one aspect of physical connection that I have avoided since my surgery: touching my cervix.
I know, I know...sounds weird. But if you've been following me for a while, you know I encourage it as part of fertility awareness cycle tracking.
Before my surgery, I would touch my cervix nearly every day to check for cervical mucus (used in tracking my cycle) and to connect with my womb. After my surgery, I have not been able to bring myself to do it (although I did try...twice...both times ending in tears).
I've been puzzled as to why this was for so long, but recently, it hit me: my cervix is where they inserted the uterine manipulator through. It is the physical location where my trauma occured. That is why I have subconsciously felt so avoidant of it.
So guess what my homework was from my physical therapist...to touch my cervix! (didn't I tell you she was great!?!) Anyways, I haven't gotten myself to do it just yet, but I'm working my way there and respecting my body's timeline.
I've learned so much through this experience, as difficult as it may have been. Do I wish things had been different? Of course. But it is what it is. I can't change the past, but I can focus on the future
The important thing is that I'm healing now, and I'm moving forward.
If you've experienced medical trauma, or any trauma for that matter, I'm sorry. Your experience and feelings are valid. I hope you find the healing you deserve.
What's Next?
Head over to my instagram, where I'll be doing a whole mini series of posts about trauma. Also, be sure to keep an eye on the blog for more post about lessons I've learned from this experience and more!
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